Where did it all begin to unravel?  One day we were a happily connected family.  Emotionally fulfilled.  Open, honest, and available. And then we weren’t.

Don’t get me wrong.  My husband didn’t suddenly become a bad guy.  He came home every night. He paid the bills.  He was physically there when we needed him.  But somehow he became absent. Emotionally unavailable. Checked out.

And when I called him on it, he sent me shopping. I know, I know—first world problems. Of course, I took him up on it.  But the whole time I picked out new pearls, my nerves rattled. I couldn’t prove her, but I felt her. She picked up his pace. He was always on the go.  Never stood still. Can’t hit a moving target, right?

While my fear increasingly bubbled up inside, I tried to suppress it.  After all, we had an amazing daughter to raise.  Why wasn’t that enough to pour myself into? And for a while it was. Until one random day my volatile emotions set fire to my mind and came up with this gem:

He’s cheating! So should you.

That was it. One crazy, errant thought took root in my spiritually weak, tortured mind.  And, boy, did I water that sucker!  The lonelier I felt, the more I dwelled on that sick thought. That deliciously, vengeful thought.  I totally fixated on it.

The Word says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he,” Proverbs 23:7.  Well, apparently so is she. Because I played the song of someone else over and over in my mind until he just plain showed up.  All charming and attractive, of course.

And wouldn’t you just know my husband had not one clue?  He was too preoccupied with his own life to notice. The funny thing was that it started so innocently (outside of all that mental conjuring.) A tall, handsome man appeared before me on an otherwise ordinary day. I asked him where I could get some car speakers.  Such the gentleman, he recommended a place AND offered to take me there.

How could I resist?

And so it began. Polite chit-chat about music and whatever else spilled into the weeks ahead. Before I knew it, I was turned on and tuned in.  This man was speaking my love language- quality time.  God only knows how he found it. He was married, too.

Danger, Katrina, danger!  Why is this man emotionally available to you when he has a wife at home?  But sanity had no power in its voice. Lust coursed through my veins. And Mr. Available fit the bill.

My flesh burned, and he had what it took to soothe it.  He gave to me emotionally.  We carried on for over a year. All from a thought.  Be careful what you let take root in your mind.  It can hijack your life and leave your roadmap in the dust.

So at least you would have thought I was happy, right? Giddy. Jubilant, even. Not even close. It was more like an un-ending rollercoaster. I’d rush off to fill up on him, only to come home guilt-ridden and crying to God about how I couldn’t take this life anymore. Only to do it all over again. That was my habit-trail. My self-created inferno.

But just like an addict, somehow the highs were no longer high enough. I had to venture out into the public with him. Risk getting seen by people I knew. Or even my husband. I was brazen, boy. Absolutely crazy. I look back and cannot for the life of me even get how I made that work in my mind.

The amazing part to me now is how little God made me pay at the time. I never did run into any neighbors. I did not manage to earn myself the gift that keeps on giving (an STD.) I was blessed beyond what I deserved, for sure.

And then a game-changer showed up.  A woman invited me to a women’s conference at her church.  She’d asked me before, but somehow I knew this event was for me.

From the moment I arrived, I was home.  The group and the space were warm and welcoming. It almost startled me, actually, since I grew up Baptist and the whole non-denominational scene was very different. I’d have to say it was the essence that spoke to me and held me in a way that felt safe.

The next thing you know Bishop Jakes started in with the Cathartic Conversation.  The subject is a woman with many lovers, none being her husband…  That did it. Oh, how I wept.  I just broke down.  That kind, strong man was speaking to me about me.  And I had been carrying my secret life- my burden- so long. The pain burst from my insides, cleansing me even as it stung.

Within a week, that was all she wrote. I called Mr. Available and told him I was no longer so. Remove my number from your phone. I’m doing the same.  He tried to dissuade me, saying everybody sins. Fortunately for me, that tug had no pull.  I had just enough clarity to see how lucky I’d been and, baby, I was getting’ out while the gettin’ wasn’t awful.

For whatever reason, God had allowed me to act a fool without tragic consequences. And finally awakened by the smelling salts of sanity, I was not about to push my luck any longer.

I left my former church for the new one in my life.  My intention was to get fed spiritually so whatever came up down the road of life, I could withstand it.

I had no idea what was coming.