The Deeper you go in your conversations with God, the more authentic your journey becomes. That’s why they are all different. Mine required my husband to ask for 2 things: a vow renewal ceremony (including new rings) and counseling.

I know. I know. It sounds like I was jumping lanes. Being controlling. Bear with me. Because of my wounds/our history, I needed him to want a fresh start. A new path. The last thing I wanted was to go back to the same old, same old.

And God heard me. During a visit near the time of his release, my husband suggested renewing our vows and getting new rings. I was so in! Of course, we started with his, for reasons I don’t need to drag up again…

In December of 2008 Junior came home. We renewed our vows. And there was still work to be done. Remember the peace I had in knowing where he was all the time? And the limited choices he had in jail? Those safety nets were gone. Freedom abounded. I’m not going to lie. It was scary.

So, to have a real shot at success we needed real talk. Real boundaries. Honest expectations. Absolute accountability.

What did that look like? No social media. Checking in when we arrived at a destination. Having permission to go through each other’s cellphones whenever. And ending relationships that had led to cheating in the past.

That was our set of boundaries. Our training wheels on our way back to trust. It’s anything but a concrete set of rules. It’s just an example. It worked for us.

Along with speaking up. Rather than swallowing our insecurities and living in doubt, we talked. If I wondered what was going on with him, I asked. Passive-aggressive behavior and crazy thought loops helped us right into a ditch before. This time around we were both committed to risking our own vulnerability. Being open to the point of feeling weak. Being honest and expecting the same in return.

I called these rules training wheels for a reason. I wasn’t going to ride through my life with them slowing my roll forever. At some point, playing private eye on his cellphone became too much of a chore for me. I decided it was time to trust him for real. That’s how intimacy grows. Call it risk or faith, it’s part of the process.

I can remember making that mental shift and soon after being invited to a prayer conference in Orlando. Part of my mind wanted to jump right back on the mental habit-trail from Hell. But I just refused. I calmed my mind. I went to the event. I enjoyed it. And I created new, healthy grooves in my brain. Instead of torturing myself with anxiety about leaving my full-grown husband with the world as his oyster, I chose to trust my choice and revel in it. It felt amazing.

Healing is a process. It’s much more than a decision or a commitment. But it takes both. And you’ll probably only know it’s happened in retrospect. I don’t know when exactly my pain left. But I know it’s gone. I can share my story with you now pain-free. Actually, as I’ve shared it, I’ve felt good. Good because I believe it can help you. To know you’re not alone. That there is hope. And that you are so much more than your pain.

I pray that my story has served you. In the next several posts I will share my 5 Pillars of Healing.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! Please let me know what parts of my journey resonated with you. How it helped. How you can relate. It can be long or short, but please reach out. I’m always grateful to learn from my tribe.