When it comes to taking the road to healing, I believe that forgiveness has to be in the driver’s seat. I know that sounds hugely unfair. And? It is what it is, lovely. And it is essential. So let’s talk about some obstacles to forgiveness first.

How about that elephant in the room of your gut, the pain from the betrayal. It relentlessly rears its hideous head. I’m not asking you to deny it. Quite the opposite: I want you to admit it. To see it clearly. I want you to realize that it’s what you feel, not who you are. And that if you give yourself time and space, it will be up to you to choose to move beyond it.

Next in the land of obstacles come outside influences. Are you surrounded by people who thrive on negativity? Who seem to light up when they are complaining? Or better yet, how about those people who get energized doing the “I told you so” dance about your husband.
Do you really need them stomping on your toes in the name of friendship?

What about you? What are the records you’re playing on repeat in your own head? That good, huh? It’s OK. We all start exactly where we are. Listen to the noise you have on repeat. Own up to it. And decide. Is this what you want to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life? This record? These feelings? If not, you must choose to start nipping this pattern in the bud. Whether it’s your own thoughts or Negative Nancy’s from next door, you’ll have to choose to send them packing if you want to heal.

And finally, triggers block forgiveness, too. It’s all about the wiring. Whether it’s your anniversary, a special song, meatloaf—whatever. Get clear on your triggers. Get to know them. That’s the only way you can consciously rewire them. Remove the electroshock therapy kit from them. This way one day you’ll be able to hear “Careless Whisper” without falling apart.
This is a totally empowering practice.

Now on to the main course: forgiveness. What is it, really? Forgiveness is a tool. One that allows the giver freedom to love unconditionally. To retire from being judge, jury and prison guard. To remove the shackles chaining both parties in a betrayal from it.

What it’s not is the excusing of an act of betrayal. Forgiveness goes beyond the act. It releases both parties from its clutches. Whatever it was happened in the past. Forgiveness frees you up for now.

If this all sounds a bit glib, like I’ve been hitting the fairy dust too hard, forgive me. I do remember where you are. I, too, experienced such pain from my husband’s cheating that I honestly had no idea how to forgive him. As desperately as I wanted to, I had no clue. But God did. So I surrendered. And I kept doing my part.

What I learned through this chapter of my life was that forgiveness is a process. Hear me out.

First, you acknowledge everything. The offense, your pain, who’s to blame. And, yes, surprisingly enough, you may discover that even in your interpretation of the story, you share in the blame. I did.

Understand this step isn’t about getting stuck. It’s about getting real. You can’t confront what you don’t own. Free yourself. Acknowledge every bit of it.

Then comes confession. Speaking your truth. Releasing it. It can be accomplished verbally, to yourself or another. Sometimes writing works best, as in journaling or penning a letter that never needs to be sent. Of course there’s always my go-to, prayer. You do you, Boo.

Whichever vehicle you choose, the point is to safely unleash the potentially toxic emotions you may have piling up inside. No matter how justified their origins, their continued thriving inside you can only damage you and those around you. A forest fire may start naturally, and it can even serve a purpose. But if you want to save your house, you’ll find a way to put it out.

The next step is turning it over to God. This may be less a concrete step and more of a mindset/heart-set shift. It makes the undoable doable. The mountain of pain movable. Your future visible.

And finally, there is surrender. Of course, there will be moments when it’s all too much. When your rage turns to tears, and you become a helpless puddle. When you have absolutely no answers, not even a direction. This is when you surrender. It’s not giving up. It’s giving in. It’s being real. It’s taking a breath and maybe a nap. And knowing that you don’t always have to know how. You’re not in this alone. God has you. That’s why you’ve got this.

If my story and ideas resonate with you, schedule a discovery call with me.

What it is: A 15-minute chance for me to hear from you about you. Where you are right now and where you’d like to go.

What it isn’t: A hardcore sales pitch.

This call will let me get to know you and your struggles. Based on what you share with me, I will know what, if anything, I have to offer you. At the very least, you’ll get a chance to openly speak about your personal goals. This alone will serve you. It is setting a powerful intention.

I look forward to talking with you.

Schedule your discovery call today!